Back on Track

I have always been someone who loves the idea of being busy. In fact, it has plagues most of my life. From being in high school and running from class to class to club to club to volunteer to sports to work. Yup, that was one big run on sentence. When i started this blog,  I really wanted it to become a part of my daily routine. A little place where I can put some of my thoughts down and not judge how bad my handwriting is. I also hoped that somehow my words would help others who might need someone to relate too, something to inspire them, or even just some good old knowledge bombs. Then the perfectionistic person comes out. I think and ponder about my blog posts but wait for the perfect moment, the perfect pictures, the perfect topic to start writing things down.

Here is the facts, I am horrible with a camera, I hate asking people to snap photos or videos of me, and I care entirely too much about what other people would find interesting or worth reading. Yet, in the past month, I have experienced so many things that I wanted to share. And just like that, the moment passed me by. Sure i could spend an hour writing about 16.2, my feelings after the open. My social avoidance, my life in general. Yet none of the memories of the emotions would be as clear as they were in those moments. So I realize, its good to just let things go and stay present. Where am I today? What am I feeling or experiencing right now? What do I want to share?

Well here it is, the undeniable raw truth of my life. I love my life. I love my job, I love my sport, I love my family, I love the beautiful weather i am enjoying as we speak. Yet, i still can't wrap myself around this concept of self love. Its always a battle. Loving something means cherishing it. Taking care of it when in need. Lifting it up when it falls. Fixing things when they are broken. It also requires trust and forgiveness. I know i am a good person, with good intentions, but I am never fully living up to what I expect of myself. Sure its good to always want more, but only if you can take a moment to reflect on where you have come.

I have lived with anorexia since i was 19 years old. Throughout the years i have spent times at a healthier weight, then a lower one. I have spent times in "recovery" and times in "relapse." Last year was the first year that I actually was able to dive into the true complexity of my eating disorder and realize how many avenues it has affected for me. Even if it never killed me, it would continue to steal my livelihood. Its all in my hands they tell me. I have control, i can fix it. In reality, i had to realize that I couldn't. Many people do not understand that.

Why am I bringing all of this up? Because it isn't easy. This is not a walk in the park. Every day is a struggle. One i am choosing to fight to stay on top of. Some weeks are better than others. Some days are better than others. The hardest part is knowing how much I might be hurting inside and not wanting or knowing how or who to talk to about it. Sure, I see a therapist and a nutritionist. Sometimes, I just need someone in the moment. When I make the decision to weigh myself impulsively to decide what I should have for breakfast. It is so hard and I am just tired of pretending to be the tough girl. Yes, I am a fighter, and I am NOT giving up. Its just that sometimes, I don't think anyone really understands what is going on in my head. The rules, the structure, the punishment, the abuse, all self imposed but unbelievably difficult to stop.

Right now, I am in the middle of my 2016 CrossFit Games season. Something I live for each and every year. Every day I am also fighting to bring myself one day closer to recovery. It is not an easy process. I look to others for inspiration more than they know. I find strength in them and feel inspired by them. I also need to realize that I am just as capable of being that person as they are. I can do the right thing for my body. Staying in my eating disorder only keeps me held back from all the things i want to do in life. We can't take life to seriously, and unfortunately, life with an eating disorder leaves no room for FUN!

Now that i got all that out, i guess its time to get back on track!..... here's to tomorrow!

#NOTPROOFREADINGTHIS!

The happiness factor

     It is really amazing how quickly i can let myself get too busy to take the time to do the things i want to do. I have had this on my "to do" list since last Monday. All the things that have been on my mind that i wanted to share but couldn't find the time to sit and think about things. The list of topics; 16.2, body image, confidence, team training, eating out, vulnerability, God, faith, etc. So in an effort to not over do it here, i think i will just say what is on my mind today.

     We are over the half way point in the CrossFit games open. 3 workouts down and 2 to go. My goal this year is to stay top 20 and earn myself a spot on that regionals floor. Each week has been a different struggle. Whether it was believing in myself, my strength, my skill, or my presence. I can honestly say, that this is my first open in a while (i can't believe this is my sixth open season!) that i am learning what it means to be an athlete. You can have talent, you can have drive, but if you are constantly living your life by the rules of an eating disorder, you can never be focused. I will never be good enough. i will never be satisfied. I will continue to punish myself. Yet this year, i feel like i am finally taking the time to tell myself that my best effort is what makes me an athlete. Giving each day 110% and being happy with my results. Focusing on where i want to be is not making where i am any better.

      I realized this after completing 16.3. Sure, i had those thoughts in my head. I WANTED 10 rounds. Yet i knew that the amount of rounds i was able to achieve was a full blown effort. Just because someone else got more rounds, doesn't mean that i fell short. I did what i was capable of on that day, at that moment. I often find this time of year to be so frustrating with so many of the athletes i coach. Some get their first muscle up, their first chest to bar, some PR their lifts in a met-con. Yet others question themselves and their effort. Why am I not good enough? Why am i not better at this yet? Its so hard as a coach to have some athletes who find success, and others that leave the gym less than happy about their performance.

     This week i was able to pass along a talk that Coach Ben gave us last week. The talk was on happiness. I struggle with this. I am not depressed, but i often find myself questioning my own happiness. There are so many things in the world i want. We often measure our happiness right in line with our success. Success will make us happy right? Getting that first bar muscle up will make us happy right? How about that raise at work? Surely once i move into that bigger house i will be so much happier! Yet what people don't realize, is that once we get those things, we will always want something more. Once you get that muscle up, now you want to link them together right? Then you want to be able to perform them with a high heart rate right? Once you get the new house, suddenly you realize how empty it is with no one else living in it right? Once you get that raise, you realize you really want the corner office with the window overlooking the ocean. If we are constantly looking to find happiness through success, we will never be able to enjoy our lives right now.

     So what do we need to be happy?
1. Gratefulness : being grateful for what we have in the present moment. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. It can be simple. I am grateful for a good night of sleep. I'm grateful for a warm  bed. I am grateful for my health. The list could go on. Challenge yourself to find time in the beginning of your day to think of three things you are grateful for.
2. Relationships : true meaningful relationships. As human beings, we CRAVE intimacy. We want to feel connected to others. No one likes being alone. I have lived a large part of my adult life isolated. So afraid of being vulnerable that this is where i KNOW i fall short. Not letting people in, and keeping myself out of other peoples lives. Not knowing when I am included. Its not just the "hi, how are you?" Its the true meaningful serious conversations. Its being able to sit down to dinner and not say a thing yet not feel any awkwardness. Maybe its watching a movie. It could be discussing deep meaningful details of our lives. Small talk may break awkward silence, but true conversations will always paramount to a happier self.
3. Giving back : Many people associate money with this. If i donate some of my money, i am doing my part right? Not even close. For many, that might be so easy. How about donating 4 hours of your day feeding the homeless? Investing some of your time helping people in your community? Helping the old lady who just spilled all of her groceries? Those are the things that you do in life that will always leave you with a weird feeling deep inside and a smile that feels so natural, you don't even realize you are doing it.

I wish i could say all of this came from my brain, but it didn't. I am just the messenger. Yet i am also a believer, and i am working on implementing these things into my life. Happiness is in the here and now. It isn't waiting for me somewhere in the future. Love yourself, love your family, love your life.

Sunday Morning

Creativity, writing the workout of the day
 with a little flare!

    Good morning. Hello Sunday. This is one of those days that I love waking up knowing that there
are no "HAVE too tasks today." I mean we could argue that we are supposed to have the mentality that we "GET to" do the things we do, but sometimes a chore is just a chore and it really bleeds into that much needed time with ourselves to reflect, think, and relax. So I started my morning off right with a little coffee and writing.
     Going through such a tough week in my recovery has taught me a couple of things. One is that I CAN make it through, even if i feel like absolute SHIT about myself. Another thing is that I don't always have to know the answer, or how to fix it. I just need to stay focused and present throughout my days. The past does not need to bleed into the present, and the present does not dictate the future. As overwhelmed as i may have felt last week, i also realized that i wasn't really overwhelmed at all. Rather i was just avoiding sitting with myself and allowing myself to feel. Good, bad, or indifferent, our feelings are an important part of who we are. Think about it, if we didn't have fear, we would all just stand in the middle of the road on an interstate. If we didn't feel sadness, our relationships wouldn't feel so precious because we wouldn't really care if and when we ever saw that special someone again. If we didn't get excited, we couldn't find enjoyment in the thrill of a PR at the gym or even seeing that special someone after a long period without them. Feelings are an important part of life. Being emotional, to some extent, is also what keeps us connected to our body. For a long time i have not allowed myself to feel many things. The eating disorder is a way for me to avoid feeling. Happy, sad, scared, anxious, depressed, etc...i could simply avoid those feelings and cloud my head with thoughts of "what am i allowed to eat for lunch?" "how many carbs are in that?" "maybe i should do another workout?" My eating disorder is a way to distract me from those feelings.

Speaking of fear, can i tell you how much i
 fear working on HIGH BOX JUMPS!

     So as i ponder so many things i was supposed to be feeling last week, i realize that there was probably a number of them i was avoiding. I was EXCITED to be back on more classes at CrossFit New England. I was ANXIOUS and NERVOUS about the open. I was STRESSED about getting things done, taxes, emails, etc. I was FEARFUL that i would not meet my own expectations. I was SHAMEFUL to accept compliments. I felt GUILTY for not having enough hours in the day to give to all the people i want to give to. The list could go on. Yet only when i reflect can i actually see how many things i was able to avoid by simply focusing on the food. It will also help me set some intentions going into this week. It is really hard to find the normalcy in following a "meal plan" that i don't full heartedly agree with. It is even more difficult when there is so much controversy on what a normal healthy diet for an athlete is. Most people just say "listen to your body and it will tell you when to eat." Yet for someone like me, those signals are so scary and untrustworthy. Sometimes, i don't even feel them. I love to eat, and that love SCARES me, so i avoid it. I also LOVE CrossFit, i LOVE competing, and i LOVE the way it feels to be strong and powerful. I need to let that be my driving factor. The eating disorder lies. It tells me that if i have a bad workout, its because I wasn't lean enough. The real me knows that most of my BAD workouts require a heavy barbell and that usually requires having strength! I don't want to sound crazy, but i do think it is important for people to understand that the mind of someone struggling with an eating disorder is complicated. I could sound crazy and say that its like there is two personalities, but i think the better way to word it is to say that its as if there are always two decisions, two opinions, and two very different options for every decision. Positive and Negative, to eat or not to eat, to be proud or to feel disgusted, to keep pushing or to stop. There are ways to see the good and bad in each decision, yet there is a piece of intuition that lays deep in the pit of my stomach that usually helps direct me to the right way. Sometimes i avoid it, because i am scared. Other times i dive in head first, because i understand the power of being vulnerable. Success comes at the margins of our failures. Face fear and soon fear becomes powerless.

A note from my food journal that i send
 to my nutritionist daily. A good
coach also told me this. 

The Struggle of Self Worth

        Why is starting the first sentence of a post so difficult? It never fails that i think about all the things i want to put down on paper, and yet when it comes to writing the opening sentence, i end up hitting the back space button all to many times. For me, I know i have a serious lack of focus due to a mind that never stops. It is a gift and a curse. I am amazing at multi-tasking, remembering things, to do lists, and numbers, yet when it comes to organizing all the thoughts and dealing with them, I would definitely give myself a low score.  One of the main purposes of my eating disorder is avoidance. Avoiding anything and everything you can think of. First and foremost, its the avoidance of experiencing the feelings surrounding all the negative thoughts i have about myself. "I am not good enough" has been a common thought of mine for a long time. I know i am not the only person who has ever been congratulated on something only to say thanks and sit there thinking about all the reasons why i didn't deserve to be congratulated. The word "but" runs through my head more times than i can even think about. 

      Living a life never being satisfied with who i am is something that can become completely exhausting. Not to mention how many mistakes we can make in a life time that could only add to the pile. Letting people down, telling a lie, forgetting someones name, the list could go on. The guilt and shame that grow only make a person feel worse. Being vulnerable is something i have learned that needs to happen more often than not. Yet sometimes, i just wish i could help someone understand exactly how scared i really am. How much i want to be the person they want me to be. How much i care about what others think- not from a vanity stand point; from an acceptance one. It all goes back to that same statement that plays over and over in my head. I am not good enough. I am a fuck up. I don't deserve ...

     Well for not having the words to start this blog post, i feel like i could go on forever. Yet my reasons for being so open are not because i am looking for pity. In fact, if you know me well enough, you would know that i am the girl who would more often than not claim to be "okay" when i am really hurting inside. I never want to be a bother, my problems are never big enough. There are bigger issues in the world. My point for all of this is to help myself understand that i am not the only person who has these thoughts. Those days where you just want to hide in your bed. Those things i may have done that i wish i could take back. I am not perfect, i don't claim to be, but i also know that i am a person of integrity, or honor, of compassion, and of loyalty. Yet i never feel that i deserve or earn any of those things for myself. I am never good enough of them. Even for my own self. It is just a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions that run around plaguing my every day. 

     If that wasn't making myself vulnerable, i guess i need a better understanding of what the word vulnerable means. I had this instantaneous desire to go back and erase it all. My reason for talking about all of this is because it goes back to that sentence in the first paragraph. My eating disorder serves as an amazing way for me to avoid dealing with those feelings and thoughts. Some people hide  in books, in exercise, in television, movies, some people hide in chocolate and ice cream. I hide by focusing all of my attention on my food intake, calories, and thinking about all the things about myself that i don't like. 

     Writing this entry today is a way for me to actually sit and think about all of those feelings. You see, i have noticed some changes this week. In fact, i am even a little hesitant to say anything because i do not want people to worry. I will say that i can honestly say that by writing this i hope to inspire others that it is okay to have rough patches. Maybe you aren't recovering from an eating disorder. Maybe you just lost a job, lost a friend, got off track on your diet, got behind on bills. What ever it is that may have happened, you are in control of taking the next steps. This week was been difficult for me. It all started with a short trip home to Florida. My eating disorder THRIVES on change and less structure. Being away from routine, even if it was for a fun weekend, can allow for some old habits to work there way in. Maybe it was being busy out at the park and missing a snack. Suddenly i am more powerful if i miss that snack again the next day. Before i know i have missed that snack every day. Usually this would lead to missing yet another snack, then maybe cutting out some extra fat here and there. This time, i couldn't let that happen. Completely overwhelmed today, thinking of all the TO DOs in my head, i decided to take a moment of meditation with my therapist. Before i knew it, i knew exactly what i needed to do. I knew exactly what i was missing. I knew exactly what it was going to feel like to fight these urges...UNCOMFORTABLE.

    I am very used to being uncomfortable. Why is it so hard when it comes to food? Because that has always been my escape from dealing with all the UNCOMFORTABLE emotions. I know my goals, i know my dreams. I believe that i am a stronger person than i could ever give myself credit for. I also know that in order for me to do the right things, i need to allow myself to be vulnerable. 

     Recovery is not a linear progression. Much like CrossFit, it is full of highs and lows. What is important is that you don't continue to see more lows than highs. It is also important to know that recovery needs COACHING just like CROSSFIT. Sure, I can try and go about it on my own, but its so much easier giving the rains to someone else with more experience and less emotion about the situation. 

    My coach has always said "Think like a bumble bee, train like a race horse." It is something i have always believed in. I just have to remember that there is a coach inside of me that wants nothing but bad things for my life. I have an amazing coach that is with me every day to inspire me and to lead me where i want to go. Yet HE needs to be able to trust that I am full heartedly devoted to doing what he tells me to do. What good is giving an athlete direction if she doesn't trust? I think a better way to put it is to say "what good is giving an athlete direction if she is blinded by what someone else is telling her?" I have to believe. I have to trust. I have to take off the blindfold and recognize the truth in making myself vulnerable to change. 

New week New Schedule, and a little 16.1 x 2

     Today is officially my first day taking on the 530 and the 630 AM classes at CrossFit New England. Its funny how when i tell people how excited i am about it, most of them respond with "are you sure you like getting up that early every day?" If you would have asked me a year ago, i would have said NO WAY. I had the worst sleep hygiene. Sitting on my phone browsing the internet in bed, tossing and turning, never finding an easy way to fall asleep and stay asleep. It was so frustrating. Yet fast forward to October of last year, when i entered a treatment program, started fueling my body, and before I knew it, I was joining in the Mayhem fun. For those of you who do not go to CFNE, our 5:30 AM class is known as the "mayhem" and i have recently found a love for the name 6:Dirrty for the 6:#0 class. The thing about it is, I love this group of people. I love all the people i interact with at CrossFit New England, but something about the dedication that they put into their fitness is inspiring. instead of missing a workout, coming up with excuses after work, or just deciding they don't have time, they show up day after day to tackle the workout of the day. Should i mention that the 5:30 AM class is by far the most attended class at CrossFit New England? Well, Coach Ben has the 8:30 and they definitely are in the same ball park, but lets face it, its BEN BERGERON, who wouldn't want to take his class? I am excited for this and can't wait to get to know this crew even better!
     
     I decided to give 16.1 another shot. I know i pushed hard, but i always wonder if there is just something left in there. I knew my lunges were a little slow in the first go around so wanted to see if i could speed up and get just a few more reps! I can't begin to tell you how awesome the environment was. So many members of the community around to cheer me on. I was on fire! Unfortunately, that fire went up too fast and came down hard. I was on pace to finish 12 full rounds + around half of round 13, and then all of a sudden, i saw fuzzy images. I am being comical but serious. I very rarely bring myself to that place. I was incredibly dizzy, felt like i was going to pass out, and yet i told myself you just have to keep moving. Finishing round 7 at about the 9:30 mark only to get a worst score when i had paced it out. Many would say "that sucks." I even questioned the judge, but knew i had definitely fallen off. I actually left this workout feeling incredibly happy and motivated. It isn't very often that i get to experience that feeling. Everything completely gone to fast. I am always known as the pacer. Then engine. Today, i shot out the gate like a cannon. It was worth it. HAHA

    After coaching an amazing group of athletes in my middle school class i couldn't help but admire some of the night crew hitting the open workout and just wanted to share some pics of them getting after it tonight. 

Jamie "The Chief" Sheridan crushing one
of his goat movements!

Marisa Hardy, complete bad ass! 

Toni coaching Jenn on the lunges

Jenn lunging! Something that she could not do last year!
I loe seeing athletes progress!

Little Sarah Wilson just moving through
this workout gracefully

Embracing Sundays

My devotional reading for the day:
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:10-11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So today i got to thinking about the first or last day of the week, depending on who you are and when your week starts. Either way, i feel that Sunday is one of those underrated days and under celebrated days. In the recent months i have found myself closer to Jesus than I have ever been. Through prayer, through friendships, through church, through studies, i have slowly started to find peace. It is still far from completion, but i know that this has been the closest i have ever been to feeling whole in my entire adult life. So in the bible, Sunday was the day of the sabbath. It was a day set aside for rest and worship. Yet in common times, and in my own life i had found Sunday to be the only day of the week that i felt like i have to get EVERYTHING done. The laundry, the cleaning, the emails, the cooking, the errands, the shopping, etc, etc, etc. It has rarely been a day that i have set aside for rest. In fact, i used to even workout every Sunday. Thankfully i have found the faith and trust in something greater and it has allowed me to make Sundays more than just the "get prepped for the week day." I mean in all reality, my week mine as well have just skipped Sunday. It never felt like a day that i could relax on. 

I forgot to oder my Paleo Power Meals!
Here is some food prep for the week. 

So what do my Sundays consist of now? Church every Sunday at either 9:00 or 10:30 with an Paleo Power Meals, so i will normally peruse the grocery store for odds and ends and some snacks. I try and make time for some type of relaxation. Sometimes it may be reading, watching a movie, or some kind of girl fun. Something about a fresh eyebrow wax makes me feel so awesome. I always make time to catch up with my mom and take a look at my schedule for the week. It is hard to avoid emails and all that, but i try and limit my time spent there and devote my time instead to being more mindful. 
amazing family who i am so fortunate to have found a relationship with. Usually i sleep in a little and occasionally i may have a client if i absolutely can not get them in any other day. Sleeping in is really like 6 AM instead of 5 AM. I am fortunate enough to be a part of

I guess my point for sharing this is that every person deserves a day of relaxation and praise. Maybe it isn't to a God. Maybe it is spending time with your family. Maybe it is spending time outside enjoying the air. Maybe its just enjoying time to yourself to be in your own head and process some of the business of the week with no distractions. It doesn't have to be Sunday, but we should all have A day of fun. It is such a hard concept to grasp. Who has time for that? I mean i am a single 30 year old CrossFit athlete and coach. I have no children and no husband, so it would seem as though i have no reason to NOT take the day off. What you don't see on the outside is the business inside. Money, avoiding dealing with money, constant battling of what is the right approach to nutrition, constantly battling with myself over my athletic abilities, second guessing my rest, thinking about calories, thinking about RECOVERY, thinking about how many doctors i have to see every week. Thinking about how i hate telling everyone about it. Thinking about how embarrassed i am because no one else really understands. Wanting to be more social yet still afraid. Wondering what people think when i avoid being social. Wishing I could just relax. All those thoughts plague  me each and every day. Yet Sunday, I try and devote to keeping my mind on serving God. I listen to Christian Rock (okay yes everyday) i read a little more scripture (i do read a devotional every day) and i let Jesus take all of my worry away for just one day. It doesn't always work out, but at least i know i have had a part of my day that i can say was worry free, relaxed, and aimed at living the life that Jesus tells me I deserve. 

Setting Realistic Goals and 16.1

After the announcement of 16.1, i had a huge grin on my face. I even think i may have yelled a "fuck yeah" at some point after hearing it. What immediately followed wasn't a thought of "i am going to crush this." Instead these were my initial thoughts:

"This is a great workout for me!"
"I am being overly confident."
"Its just the first workout, i shouldn't be excited"
 "What if i go out to fast?"
"What if my chest to bars feel like shit?"
"What if i can't do it in the set up that i want to?"
"What if i have to wait"

I am sure there were other thoughts, but these were a lot of the thoughts that went through my athlete. Now, any athlete coached by Ben Bergeron knows the importance on focusing on the controllable. I realized after typing all of that out that there is very few things in that list that i can control. Instead, i lost a ton of confidence in my ability to perform the way i want to. I had already told myself that whatever my score is isn't going to be what i want it to be. Now, I'm not saying I should be okay with a mediocre performance, but if i give 110%, the scoreboard does not matter. If i poor my heart out into something, I should be satisfied with myself. Instead, i often leave hungry. Too hungry. So hungry and yet so unworthy. Lots of "should haves" plague my thoughts.

HB and I flying through our last set of chest to bars

So lets get to the fun stuff! 16.1 went down on Friday morning with non other than the fittest mom i know, Mrs. Heather Bergeron. Something about that felt so magical to me. It wasn't about competition, it wasn't about all those thoughts. It was a moment to be present and enjoy the fact that i am working out along side one of the women who inspired me to start competing in this sport. i was reminded for a moment how good it feels to be present and to just smile. In that moment, i was able to say "so what?" to all those thoughts that were still running through my head. I told myself, i have never done this workout before, i have no idea what to expect, but i know i can do all of the movements. I know i can do all of the movements well. I tried to focus solely on movement. It was a great feeling. In moments on that lunge, i could find myself closing my eyes and drifting to pictures of marching to the finish line in a regional competition. I had memories of my very first regional event that finished with an overhead walking lunge. When i finished the workout, i remember feeling so proud. So proud that i felt like i pushed as hard as i could. Coach Ben even looked over at me and said, "celebrate this moment" "enjoy this feeling". I know now that the time directly after a workout is one of the most important times for any athlete. What we say to ourselves right then, is what we will remember.

....and the aftermath

Now, i know most people, one and done is the way to go. Usually, this would be the approach i would take in the open. What i have come to terms with is that this year, i need to set my expectations a little lower. I want to leave this season feeling like i gave this everything i got. I don't know what this year holds for me. In fact, it isn't in my control. What i do know is that i want to be 100% sure that i am fighting tooth and nail in every workout to qualify for regionals. Of course i want to make it back to the games. I would want nothing more than that. I have to remember that i am not the same athlete i was in December of 2014. Much has changed, some good, and some not so good. I don't want to use the word bad, because i know it was something that was out of my control. Anyone can try and convince me otherwise, but unless you have an eating disorder, you wouldn't understand. Don't compare it to alcoholism, addiction, or any other behavioral disorder involving substance abuse, because it is simply not the same. It isn't something you just stay away from and its not something I chose. I could start to dive into the complexities of the purpose of my eating disorder, but i will skip all that and save it for another entry.

Training the day after my first open workout was a little rough, yet also so enjoyable. I was not at all concerned about my numbers, my scores, where i measure up. Instead, i was having an amazing time. I even found myself holding back that little urge to want to complain about my soreness. Ben would be proud! I also find that each and every training day with Ben has helped me to slowly let go of the thoughts that plague my head from my eating disorder. Training is fun, its okay to fail, no one cares how i look, its okay to scale weight, everyone/no one is concerned with me or my effort because they are all too caught up in focusing on themselves. Thats the way it should be.

I have many unknown elements to this season, but there is one thing i am striving for. Complete presence in the moment. Training will come when it comes, i have the best job in the world, i will eat when i am hungry and rest when i need to rest. Yes, the last two are really hard to do sometimes, but the more i fight for it, the easier it becomes. So i decided to end my training by talking to Ben about my goals right now. We can not predict what is to come. So my goal is to qualify for regionals. I am going to fight like hell to do everything i can to reach that goal. I know the outcome is out of my control, but i am in the best place in the world to do everything in my power to make that happen. From there who knows. I have 5 weeks of competition, and its only week 1.

Why i love this right here! 

Open with

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CrossFit Games 2016

       

       Tonight is the night. The CrossFit Games open announcement 16.1. I would love to say that i feel completely prepared for this season, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Athletically, I have let my eating disorder take away the strength and confidence i once had in myself. Coming back from a serious relapse last year has been so tough mentally, physically, and emotionally. I thought i would be better in a couple of weeks. Yet here I am about 6 months into treatment, and i still have so far to go. I never saw the complexity of what recovery truly means. You see, once you have an eating disorder, it is always with you. It may lay dormant, but you can often here it whispering to you as you make decisions on your training and nutrition for the day. It may tell you to isolate and stay home instead of having fun. Either way, it is playing with fire when you start to give in to anything that ED has to say. 

        I have always been extremely tough on myself. Critical is one word, but down right abusive is more like it. I have never felt good enough. I have always found a "yeah but" to ever compliment. I honestly don't think i can remember a time that i didn't feel like i could have done something better. So here i am, 6 months into treatment, and i am about to attack my 6th CrossFit Games season. Yet i feel like i am starting all over again. Over the past year i have lost strength both physically and mentally. I have lost trust in myself. I have lost friends and relationships. I have lost myself somewhere in the midst of focusing on numbers and body image to avoid the emptiness i have inside. 

        With all that being said, I am setting some goals for myself this year because i know my expectations are only going to lead me to disappointment. I know that i am not as strong as i once was physically, but i can become stronger mentally by taking this year to really dive in head first into what truly makes a champion. Its not about the scores. My coach always tells me that and he would NEVER say i told you so even if he wanted to. My goal is to make myself vulnerable. Give up the shame, the fear, the embarrassment and be proud of where i am in my life. Find happiness again in my sport and also find happiness in my life. I want to inspire others. I want to lead from the front. I want to show the world that overcoming the worst of times is possible if we set our mind to it. 

       So this year, I want to set aside the thoughts, the feelings, the should haves, the what ifs, the "I'm not good enough." I want to accept who i am and come back from this stronger than ever. I am not alone. I have an amazing support system and an amazing God to guide me through this! Today is day one for me of the season. I am facing it head on with no doubt that i am capable of enjoying the process. I am allowed to be present. My success is in my effort, not in my scores. Here is to 2016!