Sunday Morning

Creativity, writing the workout of the day
 with a little flare!

    Good morning. Hello Sunday. This is one of those days that I love waking up knowing that there
are no "HAVE too tasks today." I mean we could argue that we are supposed to have the mentality that we "GET to" do the things we do, but sometimes a chore is just a chore and it really bleeds into that much needed time with ourselves to reflect, think, and relax. So I started my morning off right with a little coffee and writing.
     Going through such a tough week in my recovery has taught me a couple of things. One is that I CAN make it through, even if i feel like absolute SHIT about myself. Another thing is that I don't always have to know the answer, or how to fix it. I just need to stay focused and present throughout my days. The past does not need to bleed into the present, and the present does not dictate the future. As overwhelmed as i may have felt last week, i also realized that i wasn't really overwhelmed at all. Rather i was just avoiding sitting with myself and allowing myself to feel. Good, bad, or indifferent, our feelings are an important part of who we are. Think about it, if we didn't have fear, we would all just stand in the middle of the road on an interstate. If we didn't feel sadness, our relationships wouldn't feel so precious because we wouldn't really care if and when we ever saw that special someone again. If we didn't get excited, we couldn't find enjoyment in the thrill of a PR at the gym or even seeing that special someone after a long period without them. Feelings are an important part of life. Being emotional, to some extent, is also what keeps us connected to our body. For a long time i have not allowed myself to feel many things. The eating disorder is a way for me to avoid feeling. Happy, sad, scared, anxious, depressed, etc...i could simply avoid those feelings and cloud my head with thoughts of "what am i allowed to eat for lunch?" "how many carbs are in that?" "maybe i should do another workout?" My eating disorder is a way to distract me from those feelings.

Speaking of fear, can i tell you how much i
 fear working on HIGH BOX JUMPS!

     So as i ponder so many things i was supposed to be feeling last week, i realize that there was probably a number of them i was avoiding. I was EXCITED to be back on more classes at CrossFit New England. I was ANXIOUS and NERVOUS about the open. I was STRESSED about getting things done, taxes, emails, etc. I was FEARFUL that i would not meet my own expectations. I was SHAMEFUL to accept compliments. I felt GUILTY for not having enough hours in the day to give to all the people i want to give to. The list could go on. Yet only when i reflect can i actually see how many things i was able to avoid by simply focusing on the food. It will also help me set some intentions going into this week. It is really hard to find the normalcy in following a "meal plan" that i don't full heartedly agree with. It is even more difficult when there is so much controversy on what a normal healthy diet for an athlete is. Most people just say "listen to your body and it will tell you when to eat." Yet for someone like me, those signals are so scary and untrustworthy. Sometimes, i don't even feel them. I love to eat, and that love SCARES me, so i avoid it. I also LOVE CrossFit, i LOVE competing, and i LOVE the way it feels to be strong and powerful. I need to let that be my driving factor. The eating disorder lies. It tells me that if i have a bad workout, its because I wasn't lean enough. The real me knows that most of my BAD workouts require a heavy barbell and that usually requires having strength! I don't want to sound crazy, but i do think it is important for people to understand that the mind of someone struggling with an eating disorder is complicated. I could sound crazy and say that its like there is two personalities, but i think the better way to word it is to say that its as if there are always two decisions, two opinions, and two very different options for every decision. Positive and Negative, to eat or not to eat, to be proud or to feel disgusted, to keep pushing or to stop. There are ways to see the good and bad in each decision, yet there is a piece of intuition that lays deep in the pit of my stomach that usually helps direct me to the right way. Sometimes i avoid it, because i am scared. Other times i dive in head first, because i understand the power of being vulnerable. Success comes at the margins of our failures. Face fear and soon fear becomes powerless.

A note from my food journal that i send
 to my nutritionist daily. A good
coach also told me this.