New week New Schedule, and a little 16.1 x 2

     Today is officially my first day taking on the 530 and the 630 AM classes at CrossFit New England. Its funny how when i tell people how excited i am about it, most of them respond with "are you sure you like getting up that early every day?" If you would have asked me a year ago, i would have said NO WAY. I had the worst sleep hygiene. Sitting on my phone browsing the internet in bed, tossing and turning, never finding an easy way to fall asleep and stay asleep. It was so frustrating. Yet fast forward to October of last year, when i entered a treatment program, started fueling my body, and before I knew it, I was joining in the Mayhem fun. For those of you who do not go to CFNE, our 5:30 AM class is known as the "mayhem" and i have recently found a love for the name 6:Dirrty for the 6:#0 class. The thing about it is, I love this group of people. I love all the people i interact with at CrossFit New England, but something about the dedication that they put into their fitness is inspiring. instead of missing a workout, coming up with excuses after work, or just deciding they don't have time, they show up day after day to tackle the workout of the day. Should i mention that the 5:30 AM class is by far the most attended class at CrossFit New England? Well, Coach Ben has the 8:30 and they definitely are in the same ball park, but lets face it, its BEN BERGERON, who wouldn't want to take his class? I am excited for this and can't wait to get to know this crew even better!
     
     I decided to give 16.1 another shot. I know i pushed hard, but i always wonder if there is just something left in there. I knew my lunges were a little slow in the first go around so wanted to see if i could speed up and get just a few more reps! I can't begin to tell you how awesome the environment was. So many members of the community around to cheer me on. I was on fire! Unfortunately, that fire went up too fast and came down hard. I was on pace to finish 12 full rounds + around half of round 13, and then all of a sudden, i saw fuzzy images. I am being comical but serious. I very rarely bring myself to that place. I was incredibly dizzy, felt like i was going to pass out, and yet i told myself you just have to keep moving. Finishing round 7 at about the 9:30 mark only to get a worst score when i had paced it out. Many would say "that sucks." I even questioned the judge, but knew i had definitely fallen off. I actually left this workout feeling incredibly happy and motivated. It isn't very often that i get to experience that feeling. Everything completely gone to fast. I am always known as the pacer. Then engine. Today, i shot out the gate like a cannon. It was worth it. HAHA

    After coaching an amazing group of athletes in my middle school class i couldn't help but admire some of the night crew hitting the open workout and just wanted to share some pics of them getting after it tonight. 

Jamie "The Chief" Sheridan crushing one
of his goat movements!

Marisa Hardy, complete bad ass! 

Toni coaching Jenn on the lunges

Jenn lunging! Something that she could not do last year!
I loe seeing athletes progress!

Little Sarah Wilson just moving through
this workout gracefully

Embracing Sundays

My devotional reading for the day:
“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:10-11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So today i got to thinking about the first or last day of the week, depending on who you are and when your week starts. Either way, i feel that Sunday is one of those underrated days and under celebrated days. In the recent months i have found myself closer to Jesus than I have ever been. Through prayer, through friendships, through church, through studies, i have slowly started to find peace. It is still far from completion, but i know that this has been the closest i have ever been to feeling whole in my entire adult life. So in the bible, Sunday was the day of the sabbath. It was a day set aside for rest and worship. Yet in common times, and in my own life i had found Sunday to be the only day of the week that i felt like i have to get EVERYTHING done. The laundry, the cleaning, the emails, the cooking, the errands, the shopping, etc, etc, etc. It has rarely been a day that i have set aside for rest. In fact, i used to even workout every Sunday. Thankfully i have found the faith and trust in something greater and it has allowed me to make Sundays more than just the "get prepped for the week day." I mean in all reality, my week mine as well have just skipped Sunday. It never felt like a day that i could relax on. 

I forgot to oder my Paleo Power Meals!
Here is some food prep for the week. 

So what do my Sundays consist of now? Church every Sunday at either 9:00 or 10:30 with an Paleo Power Meals, so i will normally peruse the grocery store for odds and ends and some snacks. I try and make time for some type of relaxation. Sometimes it may be reading, watching a movie, or some kind of girl fun. Something about a fresh eyebrow wax makes me feel so awesome. I always make time to catch up with my mom and take a look at my schedule for the week. It is hard to avoid emails and all that, but i try and limit my time spent there and devote my time instead to being more mindful. 
amazing family who i am so fortunate to have found a relationship with. Usually i sleep in a little and occasionally i may have a client if i absolutely can not get them in any other day. Sleeping in is really like 6 AM instead of 5 AM. I am fortunate enough to be a part of

I guess my point for sharing this is that every person deserves a day of relaxation and praise. Maybe it isn't to a God. Maybe it is spending time with your family. Maybe it is spending time outside enjoying the air. Maybe its just enjoying time to yourself to be in your own head and process some of the business of the week with no distractions. It doesn't have to be Sunday, but we should all have A day of fun. It is such a hard concept to grasp. Who has time for that? I mean i am a single 30 year old CrossFit athlete and coach. I have no children and no husband, so it would seem as though i have no reason to NOT take the day off. What you don't see on the outside is the business inside. Money, avoiding dealing with money, constant battling of what is the right approach to nutrition, constantly battling with myself over my athletic abilities, second guessing my rest, thinking about calories, thinking about RECOVERY, thinking about how many doctors i have to see every week. Thinking about how i hate telling everyone about it. Thinking about how embarrassed i am because no one else really understands. Wanting to be more social yet still afraid. Wondering what people think when i avoid being social. Wishing I could just relax. All those thoughts plague  me each and every day. Yet Sunday, I try and devote to keeping my mind on serving God. I listen to Christian Rock (okay yes everyday) i read a little more scripture (i do read a devotional every day) and i let Jesus take all of my worry away for just one day. It doesn't always work out, but at least i know i have had a part of my day that i can say was worry free, relaxed, and aimed at living the life that Jesus tells me I deserve. 

Setting Realistic Goals and 16.1

After the announcement of 16.1, i had a huge grin on my face. I even think i may have yelled a "fuck yeah" at some point after hearing it. What immediately followed wasn't a thought of "i am going to crush this." Instead these were my initial thoughts:

"This is a great workout for me!"
"I am being overly confident."
"Its just the first workout, i shouldn't be excited"
 "What if i go out to fast?"
"What if my chest to bars feel like shit?"
"What if i can't do it in the set up that i want to?"
"What if i have to wait"

I am sure there were other thoughts, but these were a lot of the thoughts that went through my athlete. Now, any athlete coached by Ben Bergeron knows the importance on focusing on the controllable. I realized after typing all of that out that there is very few things in that list that i can control. Instead, i lost a ton of confidence in my ability to perform the way i want to. I had already told myself that whatever my score is isn't going to be what i want it to be. Now, I'm not saying I should be okay with a mediocre performance, but if i give 110%, the scoreboard does not matter. If i poor my heart out into something, I should be satisfied with myself. Instead, i often leave hungry. Too hungry. So hungry and yet so unworthy. Lots of "should haves" plague my thoughts.

HB and I flying through our last set of chest to bars

So lets get to the fun stuff! 16.1 went down on Friday morning with non other than the fittest mom i know, Mrs. Heather Bergeron. Something about that felt so magical to me. It wasn't about competition, it wasn't about all those thoughts. It was a moment to be present and enjoy the fact that i am working out along side one of the women who inspired me to start competing in this sport. i was reminded for a moment how good it feels to be present and to just smile. In that moment, i was able to say "so what?" to all those thoughts that were still running through my head. I told myself, i have never done this workout before, i have no idea what to expect, but i know i can do all of the movements. I know i can do all of the movements well. I tried to focus solely on movement. It was a great feeling. In moments on that lunge, i could find myself closing my eyes and drifting to pictures of marching to the finish line in a regional competition. I had memories of my very first regional event that finished with an overhead walking lunge. When i finished the workout, i remember feeling so proud. So proud that i felt like i pushed as hard as i could. Coach Ben even looked over at me and said, "celebrate this moment" "enjoy this feeling". I know now that the time directly after a workout is one of the most important times for any athlete. What we say to ourselves right then, is what we will remember.

....and the aftermath

Now, i know most people, one and done is the way to go. Usually, this would be the approach i would take in the open. What i have come to terms with is that this year, i need to set my expectations a little lower. I want to leave this season feeling like i gave this everything i got. I don't know what this year holds for me. In fact, it isn't in my control. What i do know is that i want to be 100% sure that i am fighting tooth and nail in every workout to qualify for regionals. Of course i want to make it back to the games. I would want nothing more than that. I have to remember that i am not the same athlete i was in December of 2014. Much has changed, some good, and some not so good. I don't want to use the word bad, because i know it was something that was out of my control. Anyone can try and convince me otherwise, but unless you have an eating disorder, you wouldn't understand. Don't compare it to alcoholism, addiction, or any other behavioral disorder involving substance abuse, because it is simply not the same. It isn't something you just stay away from and its not something I chose. I could start to dive into the complexities of the purpose of my eating disorder, but i will skip all that and save it for another entry.

Training the day after my first open workout was a little rough, yet also so enjoyable. I was not at all concerned about my numbers, my scores, where i measure up. Instead, i was having an amazing time. I even found myself holding back that little urge to want to complain about my soreness. Ben would be proud! I also find that each and every training day with Ben has helped me to slowly let go of the thoughts that plague my head from my eating disorder. Training is fun, its okay to fail, no one cares how i look, its okay to scale weight, everyone/no one is concerned with me or my effort because they are all too caught up in focusing on themselves. Thats the way it should be.

I have many unknown elements to this season, but there is one thing i am striving for. Complete presence in the moment. Training will come when it comes, i have the best job in the world, i will eat when i am hungry and rest when i need to rest. Yes, the last two are really hard to do sometimes, but the more i fight for it, the easier it becomes. So i decided to end my training by talking to Ben about my goals right now. We can not predict what is to come. So my goal is to qualify for regionals. I am going to fight like hell to do everything i can to reach that goal. I know the outcome is out of my control, but i am in the best place in the world to do everything in my power to make that happen. From there who knows. I have 5 weeks of competition, and its only week 1.

Why i love this right here! 

Open with

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CrossFit Games 2016

       

       Tonight is the night. The CrossFit Games open announcement 16.1. I would love to say that i feel completely prepared for this season, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Athletically, I have let my eating disorder take away the strength and confidence i once had in myself. Coming back from a serious relapse last year has been so tough mentally, physically, and emotionally. I thought i would be better in a couple of weeks. Yet here I am about 6 months into treatment, and i still have so far to go. I never saw the complexity of what recovery truly means. You see, once you have an eating disorder, it is always with you. It may lay dormant, but you can often here it whispering to you as you make decisions on your training and nutrition for the day. It may tell you to isolate and stay home instead of having fun. Either way, it is playing with fire when you start to give in to anything that ED has to say. 

        I have always been extremely tough on myself. Critical is one word, but down right abusive is more like it. I have never felt good enough. I have always found a "yeah but" to ever compliment. I honestly don't think i can remember a time that i didn't feel like i could have done something better. So here i am, 6 months into treatment, and i am about to attack my 6th CrossFit Games season. Yet i feel like i am starting all over again. Over the past year i have lost strength both physically and mentally. I have lost trust in myself. I have lost friends and relationships. I have lost myself somewhere in the midst of focusing on numbers and body image to avoid the emptiness i have inside. 

        With all that being said, I am setting some goals for myself this year because i know my expectations are only going to lead me to disappointment. I know that i am not as strong as i once was physically, but i can become stronger mentally by taking this year to really dive in head first into what truly makes a champion. Its not about the scores. My coach always tells me that and he would NEVER say i told you so even if he wanted to. My goal is to make myself vulnerable. Give up the shame, the fear, the embarrassment and be proud of where i am in my life. Find happiness again in my sport and also find happiness in my life. I want to inspire others. I want to lead from the front. I want to show the world that overcoming the worst of times is possible if we set our mind to it. 

       So this year, I want to set aside the thoughts, the feelings, the should haves, the what ifs, the "I'm not good enough." I want to accept who i am and come back from this stronger than ever. I am not alone. I have an amazing support system and an amazing God to guide me through this! Today is day one for me of the season. I am facing it head on with no doubt that i am capable of enjoying the process. I am allowed to be present. My success is in my effort, not in my scores. Here is to 2016!