CrossFit Games 2016

       

       Tonight is the night. The CrossFit Games open announcement 16.1. I would love to say that i feel completely prepared for this season, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Athletically, I have let my eating disorder take away the strength and confidence i once had in myself. Coming back from a serious relapse last year has been so tough mentally, physically, and emotionally. I thought i would be better in a couple of weeks. Yet here I am about 6 months into treatment, and i still have so far to go. I never saw the complexity of what recovery truly means. You see, once you have an eating disorder, it is always with you. It may lay dormant, but you can often here it whispering to you as you make decisions on your training and nutrition for the day. It may tell you to isolate and stay home instead of having fun. Either way, it is playing with fire when you start to give in to anything that ED has to say. 

        I have always been extremely tough on myself. Critical is one word, but down right abusive is more like it. I have never felt good enough. I have always found a "yeah but" to ever compliment. I honestly don't think i can remember a time that i didn't feel like i could have done something better. So here i am, 6 months into treatment, and i am about to attack my 6th CrossFit Games season. Yet i feel like i am starting all over again. Over the past year i have lost strength both physically and mentally. I have lost trust in myself. I have lost friends and relationships. I have lost myself somewhere in the midst of focusing on numbers and body image to avoid the emptiness i have inside. 

        With all that being said, I am setting some goals for myself this year because i know my expectations are only going to lead me to disappointment. I know that i am not as strong as i once was physically, but i can become stronger mentally by taking this year to really dive in head first into what truly makes a champion. Its not about the scores. My coach always tells me that and he would NEVER say i told you so even if he wanted to. My goal is to make myself vulnerable. Give up the shame, the fear, the embarrassment and be proud of where i am in my life. Find happiness again in my sport and also find happiness in my life. I want to inspire others. I want to lead from the front. I want to show the world that overcoming the worst of times is possible if we set our mind to it. 

       So this year, I want to set aside the thoughts, the feelings, the should haves, the what ifs, the "I'm not good enough." I want to accept who i am and come back from this stronger than ever. I am not alone. I have an amazing support system and an amazing God to guide me through this! Today is day one for me of the season. I am facing it head on with no doubt that i am capable of enjoying the process. I am allowed to be present. My success is in my effort, not in my scores. Here is to 2016!