Living a life never being satisfied with who i am is something that can become completely exhausting. Not to mention how many mistakes we can make in a life time that could only add to the pile. Letting people down, telling a lie, forgetting someones name, the list could go on. The guilt and shame that grow only make a person feel worse. Being vulnerable is something i have learned that needs to happen more often than not. Yet sometimes, i just wish i could help someone understand exactly how scared i really am. How much i want to be the person they want me to be. How much i care about what others think- not from a vanity stand point; from an acceptance one. It all goes back to that same statement that plays over and over in my head. I am not good enough. I am a fuck up. I don't deserve ...
Well for not having the words to start this blog post, i feel like i could go on forever. Yet my reasons for being so open are not because i am looking for pity. In fact, if you know me well enough, you would know that i am the girl who would more often than not claim to be "okay" when i am really hurting inside. I never want to be a bother, my problems are never big enough. There are bigger issues in the world. My point for all of this is to help myself understand that i am not the only person who has these thoughts. Those days where you just want to hide in your bed. Those things i may have done that i wish i could take back. I am not perfect, i don't claim to be, but i also know that i am a person of integrity, or honor, of compassion, and of loyalty. Yet i never feel that i deserve or earn any of those things for myself. I am never good enough of them. Even for my own self. It is just a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions that run around plaguing my every day.
If that wasn't making myself vulnerable, i guess i need a better understanding of what the word vulnerable means. I had this instantaneous desire to go back and erase it all. My reason for talking about all of this is because it goes back to that sentence in the first paragraph. My eating disorder serves as an amazing way for me to avoid dealing with those feelings and thoughts. Some people hide in books, in exercise, in television, movies, some people hide in chocolate and ice cream. I hide by focusing all of my attention on my food intake, calories, and thinking about all the things about myself that i don't like.
Writing this entry today is a way for me to actually sit and think about all of those feelings. You see, i have noticed some changes this week. In fact, i am even a little hesitant to say anything because i do not want people to worry. I will say that i can honestly say that by writing this i hope to inspire others that it is okay to have rough patches. Maybe you aren't recovering from an eating disorder. Maybe you just lost a job, lost a friend, got off track on your diet, got behind on bills. What ever it is that may have happened, you are in control of taking the next steps. This week was been difficult for me. It all started with a short trip home to Florida. My eating disorder THRIVES on change and less structure. Being away from routine, even if it was for a fun weekend, can allow for some old habits to work there way in. Maybe it was being busy out at the park and missing a snack. Suddenly i am more powerful if i miss that snack again the next day. Before i know i have missed that snack every day. Usually this would lead to missing yet another snack, then maybe cutting out some extra fat here and there. This time, i couldn't let that happen. Completely overwhelmed today, thinking of all the TO DOs in my head, i decided to take a moment of meditation with my therapist. Before i knew it, i knew exactly what i needed to do. I knew exactly what i was missing. I knew exactly what it was going to feel like to fight these urges...UNCOMFORTABLE.
I am very used to being uncomfortable. Why is it so hard when it comes to food? Because that has always been my escape from dealing with all the UNCOMFORTABLE emotions. I know my goals, i know my dreams. I believe that i am a stronger person than i could ever give myself credit for. I also know that in order for me to do the right things, i need to allow myself to be vulnerable.
Recovery is not a linear progression. Much like CrossFit, it is full of highs and lows. What is important is that you don't continue to see more lows than highs. It is also important to know that recovery needs COACHING just like CROSSFIT. Sure, I can try and go about it on my own, but its so much easier giving the rains to someone else with more experience and less emotion about the situation.
My coach has always said "Think like a bumble bee, train like a race horse." It is something i have always believed in. I just have to remember that there is a coach inside of me that wants nothing but bad things for my life. I have an amazing coach that is with me every day to inspire me and to lead me where i want to go. Yet HE needs to be able to trust that I am full heartedly devoted to doing what he tells me to do. What good is giving an athlete direction if she doesn't trust? I think a better way to put it is to say "what good is giving an athlete direction if she is blinded by what someone else is telling her?" I have to believe. I have to trust. I have to take off the blindfold and recognize the truth in making myself vulnerable to change.
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