Setting Realistic Goals and 16.1

After the announcement of 16.1, i had a huge grin on my face. I even think i may have yelled a "fuck yeah" at some point after hearing it. What immediately followed wasn't a thought of "i am going to crush this." Instead these were my initial thoughts:

"This is a great workout for me!"
"I am being overly confident."
"Its just the first workout, i shouldn't be excited"
 "What if i go out to fast?"
"What if my chest to bars feel like shit?"
"What if i can't do it in the set up that i want to?"
"What if i have to wait"

I am sure there were other thoughts, but these were a lot of the thoughts that went through my athlete. Now, any athlete coached by Ben Bergeron knows the importance on focusing on the controllable. I realized after typing all of that out that there is very few things in that list that i can control. Instead, i lost a ton of confidence in my ability to perform the way i want to. I had already told myself that whatever my score is isn't going to be what i want it to be. Now, I'm not saying I should be okay with a mediocre performance, but if i give 110%, the scoreboard does not matter. If i poor my heart out into something, I should be satisfied with myself. Instead, i often leave hungry. Too hungry. So hungry and yet so unworthy. Lots of "should haves" plague my thoughts.

HB and I flying through our last set of chest to bars

So lets get to the fun stuff! 16.1 went down on Friday morning with non other than the fittest mom i know, Mrs. Heather Bergeron. Something about that felt so magical to me. It wasn't about competition, it wasn't about all those thoughts. It was a moment to be present and enjoy the fact that i am working out along side one of the women who inspired me to start competing in this sport. i was reminded for a moment how good it feels to be present and to just smile. In that moment, i was able to say "so what?" to all those thoughts that were still running through my head. I told myself, i have never done this workout before, i have no idea what to expect, but i know i can do all of the movements. I know i can do all of the movements well. I tried to focus solely on movement. It was a great feeling. In moments on that lunge, i could find myself closing my eyes and drifting to pictures of marching to the finish line in a regional competition. I had memories of my very first regional event that finished with an overhead walking lunge. When i finished the workout, i remember feeling so proud. So proud that i felt like i pushed as hard as i could. Coach Ben even looked over at me and said, "celebrate this moment" "enjoy this feeling". I know now that the time directly after a workout is one of the most important times for any athlete. What we say to ourselves right then, is what we will remember.

....and the aftermath

Now, i know most people, one and done is the way to go. Usually, this would be the approach i would take in the open. What i have come to terms with is that this year, i need to set my expectations a little lower. I want to leave this season feeling like i gave this everything i got. I don't know what this year holds for me. In fact, it isn't in my control. What i do know is that i want to be 100% sure that i am fighting tooth and nail in every workout to qualify for regionals. Of course i want to make it back to the games. I would want nothing more than that. I have to remember that i am not the same athlete i was in December of 2014. Much has changed, some good, and some not so good. I don't want to use the word bad, because i know it was something that was out of my control. Anyone can try and convince me otherwise, but unless you have an eating disorder, you wouldn't understand. Don't compare it to alcoholism, addiction, or any other behavioral disorder involving substance abuse, because it is simply not the same. It isn't something you just stay away from and its not something I chose. I could start to dive into the complexities of the purpose of my eating disorder, but i will skip all that and save it for another entry.

Training the day after my first open workout was a little rough, yet also so enjoyable. I was not at all concerned about my numbers, my scores, where i measure up. Instead, i was having an amazing time. I even found myself holding back that little urge to want to complain about my soreness. Ben would be proud! I also find that each and every training day with Ben has helped me to slowly let go of the thoughts that plague my head from my eating disorder. Training is fun, its okay to fail, no one cares how i look, its okay to scale weight, everyone/no one is concerned with me or my effort because they are all too caught up in focusing on themselves. Thats the way it should be.

I have many unknown elements to this season, but there is one thing i am striving for. Complete presence in the moment. Training will come when it comes, i have the best job in the world, i will eat when i am hungry and rest when i need to rest. Yes, the last two are really hard to do sometimes, but the more i fight for it, the easier it becomes. So i decided to end my training by talking to Ben about my goals right now. We can not predict what is to come. So my goal is to qualify for regionals. I am going to fight like hell to do everything i can to reach that goal. I know the outcome is out of my control, but i am in the best place in the world to do everything in my power to make that happen. From there who knows. I have 5 weeks of competition, and its only week 1.

Why i love this right here! 

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