I have always been someone who loves the idea of being busy. In fact, it has plagues most of my life. From being in high school and running from class to class to club to club to volunteer to sports to work. Yup, that was one big run on sentence. When i started this blog, I really wanted it to become a part of my daily routine. A little place where I can put some of my thoughts down and not judge how bad my handwriting is. I also hoped that somehow my words would help others who might need someone to relate too, something to inspire them, or even just some good old knowledge bombs. Then the perfectionistic person comes out. I think and ponder about my blog posts but wait for the perfect moment, the perfect pictures, the perfect topic to start writing things down.
Here is the facts, I am horrible with a camera, I hate asking people to snap photos or videos of me, and I care entirely too much about what other people would find interesting or worth reading. Yet, in the past month, I have experienced so many things that I wanted to share. And just like that, the moment passed me by. Sure i could spend an hour writing about 16.2, my feelings after the open. My social avoidance, my life in general. Yet none of the memories of the emotions would be as clear as they were in those moments. So I realize, its good to just let things go and stay present. Where am I today? What am I feeling or experiencing right now? What do I want to share?
Well here it is, the undeniable raw truth of my life. I love my life. I love my job, I love my sport, I love my family, I love the beautiful weather i am enjoying as we speak. Yet, i still can't wrap myself around this concept of self love. Its always a battle. Loving something means cherishing it. Taking care of it when in need. Lifting it up when it falls. Fixing things when they are broken. It also requires trust and forgiveness. I know i am a good person, with good intentions, but I am never fully living up to what I expect of myself. Sure its good to always want more, but only if you can take a moment to reflect on where you have come.
I have lived with anorexia since i was 19 years old. Throughout the years i have spent times at a healthier weight, then a lower one. I have spent times in "recovery" and times in "relapse." Last year was the first year that I actually was able to dive into the true complexity of my eating disorder and realize how many avenues it has affected for me. Even if it never killed me, it would continue to steal my livelihood. Its all in my hands they tell me. I have control, i can fix it. In reality, i had to realize that I couldn't. Many people do not understand that.
Why am I bringing all of this up? Because it isn't easy. This is not a walk in the park. Every day is a struggle. One i am choosing to fight to stay on top of. Some weeks are better than others. Some days are better than others. The hardest part is knowing how much I might be hurting inside and not wanting or knowing how or who to talk to about it. Sure, I see a therapist and a nutritionist. Sometimes, I just need someone in the moment. When I make the decision to weigh myself impulsively to decide what I should have for breakfast. It is so hard and I am just tired of pretending to be the tough girl. Yes, I am a fighter, and I am NOT giving up. Its just that sometimes, I don't think anyone really understands what is going on in my head. The rules, the structure, the punishment, the abuse, all self imposed but unbelievably difficult to stop.
Right now, I am in the middle of my 2016 CrossFit Games season. Something I live for each and every year. Every day I am also fighting to bring myself one day closer to recovery. It is not an easy process. I look to others for inspiration more than they know. I find strength in them and feel inspired by them. I also need to realize that I am just as capable of being that person as they are. I can do the right thing for my body. Staying in my eating disorder only keeps me held back from all the things i want to do in life. We can't take life to seriously, and unfortunately, life with an eating disorder leaves no room for FUN!
Now that i got all that out, i guess its time to get back on track!..... here's to tomorrow!
#NOTPROOFREADINGTHIS!
