The happiness factor

     It is really amazing how quickly i can let myself get too busy to take the time to do the things i want to do. I have had this on my "to do" list since last Monday. All the things that have been on my mind that i wanted to share but couldn't find the time to sit and think about things. The list of topics; 16.2, body image, confidence, team training, eating out, vulnerability, God, faith, etc. So in an effort to not over do it here, i think i will just say what is on my mind today.

     We are over the half way point in the CrossFit games open. 3 workouts down and 2 to go. My goal this year is to stay top 20 and earn myself a spot on that regionals floor. Each week has been a different struggle. Whether it was believing in myself, my strength, my skill, or my presence. I can honestly say, that this is my first open in a while (i can't believe this is my sixth open season!) that i am learning what it means to be an athlete. You can have talent, you can have drive, but if you are constantly living your life by the rules of an eating disorder, you can never be focused. I will never be good enough. i will never be satisfied. I will continue to punish myself. Yet this year, i feel like i am finally taking the time to tell myself that my best effort is what makes me an athlete. Giving each day 110% and being happy with my results. Focusing on where i want to be is not making where i am any better.

      I realized this after completing 16.3. Sure, i had those thoughts in my head. I WANTED 10 rounds. Yet i knew that the amount of rounds i was able to achieve was a full blown effort. Just because someone else got more rounds, doesn't mean that i fell short. I did what i was capable of on that day, at that moment. I often find this time of year to be so frustrating with so many of the athletes i coach. Some get their first muscle up, their first chest to bar, some PR their lifts in a met-con. Yet others question themselves and their effort. Why am I not good enough? Why am i not better at this yet? Its so hard as a coach to have some athletes who find success, and others that leave the gym less than happy about their performance.

     This week i was able to pass along a talk that Coach Ben gave us last week. The talk was on happiness. I struggle with this. I am not depressed, but i often find myself questioning my own happiness. There are so many things in the world i want. We often measure our happiness right in line with our success. Success will make us happy right? Getting that first bar muscle up will make us happy right? How about that raise at work? Surely once i move into that bigger house i will be so much happier! Yet what people don't realize, is that once we get those things, we will always want something more. Once you get that muscle up, now you want to link them together right? Then you want to be able to perform them with a high heart rate right? Once you get the new house, suddenly you realize how empty it is with no one else living in it right? Once you get that raise, you realize you really want the corner office with the window overlooking the ocean. If we are constantly looking to find happiness through success, we will never be able to enjoy our lives right now.

     So what do we need to be happy?
1. Gratefulness : being grateful for what we have in the present moment. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. It can be simple. I am grateful for a good night of sleep. I'm grateful for a warm  bed. I am grateful for my health. The list could go on. Challenge yourself to find time in the beginning of your day to think of three things you are grateful for.
2. Relationships : true meaningful relationships. As human beings, we CRAVE intimacy. We want to feel connected to others. No one likes being alone. I have lived a large part of my adult life isolated. So afraid of being vulnerable that this is where i KNOW i fall short. Not letting people in, and keeping myself out of other peoples lives. Not knowing when I am included. Its not just the "hi, how are you?" Its the true meaningful serious conversations. Its being able to sit down to dinner and not say a thing yet not feel any awkwardness. Maybe its watching a movie. It could be discussing deep meaningful details of our lives. Small talk may break awkward silence, but true conversations will always paramount to a happier self.
3. Giving back : Many people associate money with this. If i donate some of my money, i am doing my part right? Not even close. For many, that might be so easy. How about donating 4 hours of your day feeding the homeless? Investing some of your time helping people in your community? Helping the old lady who just spilled all of her groceries? Those are the things that you do in life that will always leave you with a weird feeling deep inside and a smile that feels so natural, you don't even realize you are doing it.

I wish i could say all of this came from my brain, but it didn't. I am just the messenger. Yet i am also a believer, and i am working on implementing these things into my life. Happiness is in the here and now. It isn't waiting for me somewhere in the future. Love yourself, love your family, love your life.

Sunday Morning

Creativity, writing the workout of the day
 with a little flare!

    Good morning. Hello Sunday. This is one of those days that I love waking up knowing that there
are no "HAVE too tasks today." I mean we could argue that we are supposed to have the mentality that we "GET to" do the things we do, but sometimes a chore is just a chore and it really bleeds into that much needed time with ourselves to reflect, think, and relax. So I started my morning off right with a little coffee and writing.
     Going through such a tough week in my recovery has taught me a couple of things. One is that I CAN make it through, even if i feel like absolute SHIT about myself. Another thing is that I don't always have to know the answer, or how to fix it. I just need to stay focused and present throughout my days. The past does not need to bleed into the present, and the present does not dictate the future. As overwhelmed as i may have felt last week, i also realized that i wasn't really overwhelmed at all. Rather i was just avoiding sitting with myself and allowing myself to feel. Good, bad, or indifferent, our feelings are an important part of who we are. Think about it, if we didn't have fear, we would all just stand in the middle of the road on an interstate. If we didn't feel sadness, our relationships wouldn't feel so precious because we wouldn't really care if and when we ever saw that special someone again. If we didn't get excited, we couldn't find enjoyment in the thrill of a PR at the gym or even seeing that special someone after a long period without them. Feelings are an important part of life. Being emotional, to some extent, is also what keeps us connected to our body. For a long time i have not allowed myself to feel many things. The eating disorder is a way for me to avoid feeling. Happy, sad, scared, anxious, depressed, etc...i could simply avoid those feelings and cloud my head with thoughts of "what am i allowed to eat for lunch?" "how many carbs are in that?" "maybe i should do another workout?" My eating disorder is a way to distract me from those feelings.

Speaking of fear, can i tell you how much i
 fear working on HIGH BOX JUMPS!

     So as i ponder so many things i was supposed to be feeling last week, i realize that there was probably a number of them i was avoiding. I was EXCITED to be back on more classes at CrossFit New England. I was ANXIOUS and NERVOUS about the open. I was STRESSED about getting things done, taxes, emails, etc. I was FEARFUL that i would not meet my own expectations. I was SHAMEFUL to accept compliments. I felt GUILTY for not having enough hours in the day to give to all the people i want to give to. The list could go on. Yet only when i reflect can i actually see how many things i was able to avoid by simply focusing on the food. It will also help me set some intentions going into this week. It is really hard to find the normalcy in following a "meal plan" that i don't full heartedly agree with. It is even more difficult when there is so much controversy on what a normal healthy diet for an athlete is. Most people just say "listen to your body and it will tell you when to eat." Yet for someone like me, those signals are so scary and untrustworthy. Sometimes, i don't even feel them. I love to eat, and that love SCARES me, so i avoid it. I also LOVE CrossFit, i LOVE competing, and i LOVE the way it feels to be strong and powerful. I need to let that be my driving factor. The eating disorder lies. It tells me that if i have a bad workout, its because I wasn't lean enough. The real me knows that most of my BAD workouts require a heavy barbell and that usually requires having strength! I don't want to sound crazy, but i do think it is important for people to understand that the mind of someone struggling with an eating disorder is complicated. I could sound crazy and say that its like there is two personalities, but i think the better way to word it is to say that its as if there are always two decisions, two opinions, and two very different options for every decision. Positive and Negative, to eat or not to eat, to be proud or to feel disgusted, to keep pushing or to stop. There are ways to see the good and bad in each decision, yet there is a piece of intuition that lays deep in the pit of my stomach that usually helps direct me to the right way. Sometimes i avoid it, because i am scared. Other times i dive in head first, because i understand the power of being vulnerable. Success comes at the margins of our failures. Face fear and soon fear becomes powerless.

A note from my food journal that i send
 to my nutritionist daily. A good
coach also told me this. 

The Struggle of Self Worth

        Why is starting the first sentence of a post so difficult? It never fails that i think about all the things i want to put down on paper, and yet when it comes to writing the opening sentence, i end up hitting the back space button all to many times. For me, I know i have a serious lack of focus due to a mind that never stops. It is a gift and a curse. I am amazing at multi-tasking, remembering things, to do lists, and numbers, yet when it comes to organizing all the thoughts and dealing with them, I would definitely give myself a low score.  One of the main purposes of my eating disorder is avoidance. Avoiding anything and everything you can think of. First and foremost, its the avoidance of experiencing the feelings surrounding all the negative thoughts i have about myself. "I am not good enough" has been a common thought of mine for a long time. I know i am not the only person who has ever been congratulated on something only to say thanks and sit there thinking about all the reasons why i didn't deserve to be congratulated. The word "but" runs through my head more times than i can even think about. 

      Living a life never being satisfied with who i am is something that can become completely exhausting. Not to mention how many mistakes we can make in a life time that could only add to the pile. Letting people down, telling a lie, forgetting someones name, the list could go on. The guilt and shame that grow only make a person feel worse. Being vulnerable is something i have learned that needs to happen more often than not. Yet sometimes, i just wish i could help someone understand exactly how scared i really am. How much i want to be the person they want me to be. How much i care about what others think- not from a vanity stand point; from an acceptance one. It all goes back to that same statement that plays over and over in my head. I am not good enough. I am a fuck up. I don't deserve ...

     Well for not having the words to start this blog post, i feel like i could go on forever. Yet my reasons for being so open are not because i am looking for pity. In fact, if you know me well enough, you would know that i am the girl who would more often than not claim to be "okay" when i am really hurting inside. I never want to be a bother, my problems are never big enough. There are bigger issues in the world. My point for all of this is to help myself understand that i am not the only person who has these thoughts. Those days where you just want to hide in your bed. Those things i may have done that i wish i could take back. I am not perfect, i don't claim to be, but i also know that i am a person of integrity, or honor, of compassion, and of loyalty. Yet i never feel that i deserve or earn any of those things for myself. I am never good enough of them. Even for my own self. It is just a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions that run around plaguing my every day. 

     If that wasn't making myself vulnerable, i guess i need a better understanding of what the word vulnerable means. I had this instantaneous desire to go back and erase it all. My reason for talking about all of this is because it goes back to that sentence in the first paragraph. My eating disorder serves as an amazing way for me to avoid dealing with those feelings and thoughts. Some people hide  in books, in exercise, in television, movies, some people hide in chocolate and ice cream. I hide by focusing all of my attention on my food intake, calories, and thinking about all the things about myself that i don't like. 

     Writing this entry today is a way for me to actually sit and think about all of those feelings. You see, i have noticed some changes this week. In fact, i am even a little hesitant to say anything because i do not want people to worry. I will say that i can honestly say that by writing this i hope to inspire others that it is okay to have rough patches. Maybe you aren't recovering from an eating disorder. Maybe you just lost a job, lost a friend, got off track on your diet, got behind on bills. What ever it is that may have happened, you are in control of taking the next steps. This week was been difficult for me. It all started with a short trip home to Florida. My eating disorder THRIVES on change and less structure. Being away from routine, even if it was for a fun weekend, can allow for some old habits to work there way in. Maybe it was being busy out at the park and missing a snack. Suddenly i am more powerful if i miss that snack again the next day. Before i know i have missed that snack every day. Usually this would lead to missing yet another snack, then maybe cutting out some extra fat here and there. This time, i couldn't let that happen. Completely overwhelmed today, thinking of all the TO DOs in my head, i decided to take a moment of meditation with my therapist. Before i knew it, i knew exactly what i needed to do. I knew exactly what i was missing. I knew exactly what it was going to feel like to fight these urges...UNCOMFORTABLE.

    I am very used to being uncomfortable. Why is it so hard when it comes to food? Because that has always been my escape from dealing with all the UNCOMFORTABLE emotions. I know my goals, i know my dreams. I believe that i am a stronger person than i could ever give myself credit for. I also know that in order for me to do the right things, i need to allow myself to be vulnerable. 

     Recovery is not a linear progression. Much like CrossFit, it is full of highs and lows. What is important is that you don't continue to see more lows than highs. It is also important to know that recovery needs COACHING just like CROSSFIT. Sure, I can try and go about it on my own, but its so much easier giving the rains to someone else with more experience and less emotion about the situation. 

    My coach has always said "Think like a bumble bee, train like a race horse." It is something i have always believed in. I just have to remember that there is a coach inside of me that wants nothing but bad things for my life. I have an amazing coach that is with me every day to inspire me and to lead me where i want to go. Yet HE needs to be able to trust that I am full heartedly devoted to doing what he tells me to do. What good is giving an athlete direction if she doesn't trust? I think a better way to put it is to say "what good is giving an athlete direction if she is blinded by what someone else is telling her?" I have to believe. I have to trust. I have to take off the blindfold and recognize the truth in making myself vulnerable to change.