It is really amazing how quickly i can let myself get too busy to take the time to do the things i want to do. I have had this on my "to do" list since last Monday. All the things that have been on my mind that i wanted to share but couldn't find the time to sit and think about things. The list of topics; 16.2, body image, confidence, team training, eating out, vulnerability, God, faith, etc. So in an effort to not over do it here, i think i will just say what is on my mind today.
We are over the half way point in the CrossFit games open. 3 workouts down and 2 to go. My goal this year is to stay top 20 and earn myself a spot on that regionals floor. Each week has been a different struggle. Whether it was believing in myself, my strength, my skill, or my presence. I can honestly say, that this is my first open in a while (i can't believe this is my sixth open season!) that i am learning what it means to be an athlete. You can have talent, you can have drive, but if you are constantly living your life by the rules of an eating disorder, you can never be focused. I will never be good enough. i will never be satisfied. I will continue to punish myself. Yet this year, i feel like i am finally taking the time to tell myself that my best effort is what makes me an athlete. Giving each day 110% and being happy with my results. Focusing on where i want to be is not making where i am any better.
I realized this after completing 16.3. Sure, i had those thoughts in my head. I WANTED 10 rounds. Yet i knew that the amount of rounds i was able to achieve was a full blown effort. Just because someone else got more rounds, doesn't mean that i fell short. I did what i was capable of on that day, at that moment. I often find this time of year to be so frustrating with so many of the athletes i coach. Some get their first muscle up, their first chest to bar, some PR their lifts in a met-con. Yet others question themselves and their effort. Why am I not good enough? Why am i not better at this yet? Its so hard as a coach to have some athletes who find success, and others that leave the gym less than happy about their performance.
This week i was able to pass along a talk that Coach Ben gave us last week. The talk was on happiness. I struggle with this. I am not depressed, but i often find myself questioning my own happiness. There are so many things in the world i want. We often measure our happiness right in line with our success. Success will make us happy right? Getting that first bar muscle up will make us happy right? How about that raise at work? Surely once i move into that bigger house i will be so much happier! Yet what people don't realize, is that once we get those things, we will always want something more. Once you get that muscle up, now you want to link them together right? Then you want to be able to perform them with a high heart rate right? Once you get the new house, suddenly you realize how empty it is with no one else living in it right? Once you get that raise, you realize you really want the corner office with the window overlooking the ocean. If we are constantly looking to find happiness through success, we will never be able to enjoy our lives right now.
So what do we need to be happy?
1. Gratefulness : being grateful for what we have in the present moment. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant. It can be simple. I am grateful for a good night of sleep. I'm grateful for a warm bed. I am grateful for my health. The list could go on. Challenge yourself to find time in the beginning of your day to think of three things you are grateful for.
2. Relationships : true meaningful relationships. As human beings, we CRAVE intimacy. We want to feel connected to others. No one likes being alone. I have lived a large part of my adult life isolated. So afraid of being vulnerable that this is where i KNOW i fall short. Not letting people in, and keeping myself out of other peoples lives. Not knowing when I am included. Its not just the "hi, how are you?" Its the true meaningful serious conversations. Its being able to sit down to dinner and not say a thing yet not feel any awkwardness. Maybe its watching a movie. It could be discussing deep meaningful details of our lives. Small talk may break awkward silence, but true conversations will always paramount to a happier self.
3. Giving back : Many people associate money with this. If i donate some of my money, i am doing my part right? Not even close. For many, that might be so easy. How about donating 4 hours of your day feeding the homeless? Investing some of your time helping people in your community? Helping the old lady who just spilled all of her groceries? Those are the things that you do in life that will always leave you with a weird feeling deep inside and a smile that feels so natural, you don't even realize you are doing it.
I wish i could say all of this came from my brain, but it didn't. I am just the messenger. Yet i am also a believer, and i am working on implementing these things into my life. Happiness is in the here and now. It isn't waiting for me somewhere in the future. Love yourself, love your family, love your life.
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